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Sunday, March 27, 2011

Shebangabang's Next Top Model Series Two #11

Let me tell you a little bit about my brother, Mike.

Mike has slept on the ground at Wolf Creek.

Mike has jumped out of the sky.

Mike has wrestled Barramundi into submission.

Mike has butchered a freshly deceased cow by the side of a desert road.

And earlier this evening, Mike called me excitedly during the ad break of this episode of New Zealand’s Next Top Model, his first, to ask “Is it always like this?” and to tell me how much he was enjoying it.

Welcome, Mike. Welcome to both the best and stupidest thing you will ever watch on television.

Once this ridiculously long plug for Nivea products is over.

The Judges
Sara Tetro
Sweetie, you forgot to take your cape off when you came out of make u... oh. Oh, I see. No, no, that’s totally a dress, I understand that now. And no, I’m not yawning, I’m just saying “wow” really, really slowly.

Chris Sisarich
Didn’t we get to see a lot of you during this episode, Chris “I’ll Show You My Flash If You Show Me Yours” Sisarich? Yes, we did. I don’t remember a single word you said, though, lost as I was in your eyes and all that crap, but I did draw a sketch of you on a horse, cuddling a baby polar bear. I used the felt-tip markers and craft paper from the stupid fucking charity challenge.

Colin Mathura-Jeffree
Suit? Boring.
Hair? Barely even bouffy.
Goatee? Seen it before.

Telling Nelza to shimmy away her tears?

I may never be unhappy again.

The Icksint
Honestly, I can’t believe you guys aren’t fluent in this language yet. All you have to do is chew gum, bite down on a pencil and flare your nostrils.

Cheeraty = Guvung thungs to people who hevvunt got inny-thung. See: Beguns Et Home.

Sput Un Your Drunk = Something Courtenay had better not do to Dakota unless she wants to get stabbed.

Striss Pumples = Thungs you git on your forehid whin you’re enxious.

Wunner Dunner = What you get if you design the stupidest cheeraty. Un a ristraunt!
 Statest.... Statustu... Stetastuck... Aaah fuck it, never mind.

Budgetirry Lumutations

When you blow your entire weekly budget on body-paint, feathers and plasticine for a photo shoot, it stands to reason that your weekly challenge will be lamer than Myspace. With crayons and safety scissors, the modules are asked to invent a charity, draw some pictures and drone about it in front of a camera.
Luckily, there’s not even a single coin left to donate to Nelza’s charity, which seeks to help raise the self-esteem of red-haired people.
Self esteem.
Seriously though, if it stops being okay to tease rangas, what are normal people going to do with their spare time?
Still, they did throw in five hundred bucks, courtesy of one of the sponsors whose name I’ve forgotten. Nelza says she wants to punch herself in the face to make sure it’s real.
It’s okay, Nelza. I’ll do that.

Bist Buts
• Yep. Sponsored by Nivea. Got it.

• I think this episode might also have been sponsored by that bit in Scrabble where you shake the letter tiles up in a bag. Wouldn’t you say so, special guests Ngahuia Williams and Ursula Hufnagl?

• Dakota wants a degree in psychology. That’s like Terri Irwin wanting to study people with split ends.

• Danielle assumes that “Mystery Judge” is Ursula Hufnagl’s real name, and assumes that her parents were hippies. I assume that Danielle’s parents were three quarters stupid. I’m not sure what the remaining three quaters were.

• THIS WEEK'S PHOTO SHOOT IS AMAZING. Body paint, prosthetic horns and beaks, feathers, fur and nipple-covers. It’s just like a party at my house except fewer martinis and more clothes. Courtenay says she feels weird because she’s naked. Yeah. You’ve got a beak and feathered boobs. I’m pretty sure it’s the nudity making you feel weird.

• Nelza is worried about the shoot, because she thinks she has a fat arse. Remember that girl at school? That thin, pretty one who spent most of her time complaining about how fat and ugly she was? Add red hair to that. Now punch it in the face.

• In the Eliminarium, we get to see all the crappy charity videos again! YEAH! Now if someone could just pull my toenails out through my eyes, we’re pretty much there.

• Colin Hyphenated-Surname asks Michaela what she thinks Africa needs, seeing as her charity is all about her birthplace. Ensuring her position as UN ambassador is rock-solid, she answers “Food, water and education I reckon”. Colin corrects her, saying that what Africa really needs is straightening irons.

Which is even more awkward than this.

Eventually, it comes down to Nelza and Dakota, or as I prefer to call it, The Best Psychotic Anomaly Package Deal In Auckland This Morning.
Tears are shed, and Dakota is sent packing.

E haere ra, Dakota! Remember that even through the tears, the pain, the misunderstandings and the hurtful words, the real winner is get out of here you nutbag.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Shebangabang's Next Top Model Series Two #10

Well! If that wasn’t the most resplendent display of symmetrically harmonious verisimilitude wrapped in diaphanous textiles, I’ll be hornswoggled!

It also had heaps of big words in it and that.

It was totes sesquipedalian.

Here we are in, as Sara Tetro so eloquently puts it, in “steamy Phuket”, which is brilliant if, like me, you giggle every time you hear the word “pooh”.*

The Judges
Sara Tetro

That’s it. I’m calling the Sequin Police.

Chris Sisarich
Shorts. T-shirt. Shorts. Shorts. SHORTS. Finally Mr Chris “Widen My F-Stop” Sisarich places just a single, small layer of flumsy februck between himself and me. Well, that and a restraining order, obviously, but you can’t see silhouetted nipples through a restraining order.

Colin Mathura-Jeffree
Colin Hyphenated-Surname seems to have been in such a rush to get his half-up, half-down hairstyle and his mannequin impersonation right that he’s turned up in his pajamas. He definitely seems to be keeping cool in the humid weather, but seriously, anything that makes me think about Colin in bed is just asking for trouble. Trouble and gagging. Trouble and gagging and self-lobotomy.
My advice, then, is to perhaps go for something more like this. Something lightweight, colourful and practical. Something dashing and forthright. Something that breathes, like you would, heavily, in bed. SHIT SHIT DAMMIT.

Oh, and Elza wants to borrow that stupid hat once you’re finished with it.

The Icksint
We’re now at the point in this series of New Zealand’s Next Top Model where the voice in my head has actually started speaking with a Kiwi accent. Well, one of them has, anyway. The other three still sound like Bea Smith from Prisoner.

Prutty Suck = getting upgraded to Business Class, if you’re Danielle.

Prutty Fet = Lara’s arse, if you’re Dakota

Aggrission = What you need for kuck boxung, if you’re Nelza

“I Thought We’d Hev A Chet” = “I thought I’d find the quickest way to start a bitch fight” if you’re Sara Tetro. See also: Puttung The Cet Amongst The Pudgeons.

Illa-Funt = One of two things on this show with a bug fet bum.

Wug = What you wear on your hid when you’re being photographed with an illa-funt.

Missuv Buts Of Shut = What comes out of the beck of an illa-funt in the middle of a photo shoot.

Budgetirry Lumutations

The challenge this week is to make your own dress from five yards of fabric, because buggered if we’re paying for any designer frocks.

The challenge prize this week is twenty extra frames in the photo shoot, because that’s worth exactly eight squerzillion imaginary dollars.

The touristy things we’ll do in Thailand are things like looking at monkeys, looking at elephants, looking at snakes and watching a puffer fish vomit seawater out of its armpits. Because awesome.

Bist Buts

• Chris Sisarich is wearing shorts.

• Nelza says that having her sister eliminated was like a mother losing her baby, but that if she misses her she can just glance in the mirror. I’m thinking of inviting Nelza around to my house for a cup of tea and a big bowl full of slapping.

• Chris Sisarich is wearing shorts.

• Muay Thai kickboxing is exactly as relevant to modelling as a chimpanzee riding on a Segway.

And now I’m just really happy because that’s a picture of a Chimpanzee on a Segway.

• Chris Sisarich is wearing shorts, saying the word “sweating” and talking about tongues. Thank you from my pants.

• All of the girls want Dakota to go home, causing her to warn them that they don’t want her to take it “to a dark place”. Ladies. Please do not make Dakota show us her dark place. Well, not until she’s in a photo shoot, anyway, when she poses like she’s trying to air out her dark place. See? It’s funny because I mean vagina.

• Producers, if you’re going to show footage suggesting that Lara has a fat arse, and then you organise a photo-shoot with an elephant, then it’s inevitable that I’m going to say things that make me sound like a bitch. And I’m just not comfortable with that.

• Elimination this week makes two things obvious:

1. The modules are clearly raiding Sara Tetro’s wardrobe directly from the Frump section; and


• Sara Tetro totally hates Dakota. It’s friggin’ awesome. Anything that makes the question “What has Lara’s butt got to do with you” is friggin’ awesome. She also says ‘disingenuous’, which is the longest word ever used on any series of Top Model worldwide, if you don’t count ‘Porizkova’.

Eventually, it comes down to Dakota and Lara, the former because she doesn’t take direction well, and the latter because she doesn’t photograph well.

After a spot of suspense, Lara is sent home because – let’s be honest here – her bum really is a little bit fat.

E haere ra, Lara! You’re ginger. Surely you knew this was coming.

*Or of course “erection”.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Every Day For A Year #14

(If you want to see some back-story for this caper, check it here. If you want to see the most politically significant short film ever made, check it here.)

Well, it’s been a long time between drinks* as far as Frosty’s daily photographs are concerned. He’s still been taking them every day, it’s just that his work is currently busier than Mr T at a Fool Convention, and there’s a gaping vortex where his bathroom used to be. All highly relevant, you say. Show us the freaking pictures, you say. You smell amazing, Jo, you say.

First, though, some housekeeping. I forgot to mention that in the middle of December, Frosty had to take his regular camera in for repairs. Ever-diligent, the poor thing made do with a digital SLR between this shot from the last batch and one of the seagull on the rock below.

One more thing before we get to the beautifully-composed rectangles of tops. I thought I’d throw you some pre-prepared reactions to the shots, just in case you haven’t had your coffee yet, but are still interested in some enlightened artistic expression. Just pick the most suitable reaction and say it out loud, maybe with your hand on your chin, or a slow diagonal nod. I went to art school. That’s how they do it. Feel free to mix and match:

“I hope those underpants are clean”.

“Oh, I see! If you look closely, it’s the vapour-trail of an aeroplane! Marvellous”.

“Jesus. That’s a fountain. Jesus”.

“That reminds me – I’m late for my origami class”.

Right. You’re ready now. Enjoy.

*I mean that metaphorically. It’s been a very short time between actual drinks. There’s an excellent chance I’m drunk now.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Shebangabang's Next Top Model Series Two #9

Screw you, recap episode.
Recap episodes make me feel like I'm studying for a test and, like going back and doing revision of quadratic equations, there are distinctly fewer thrills and spills than seeing it all the first time.

In a New Zealand's Next Top Model test, I would assume that the questions would be multiple choice.
I'd also assume that anyone attempting the test would be advised to not chew the end of their pen, so as to avoid the ingestion of any unexpected calories.
And I'd assume that the questions would look a bit like this, which is pretty much because I just made hem up now. It's luxurious being in charge of this shit.

Question 1.
If you have a bit of a panic attack in hair and make-up, should you:
a) Call the ambulance;
b) Call the waambulance;
c) Be a retarded ginger robot from space; or
d) You shit me, Nelza

Question 2.
The most unnecessary yet most mentally ingrained image of the series so far, like so much so that I see it every time I close my eyes, has been:
a) Colin Hyphenated-Surnane running in heels;
b) A parrot crapping on a module's leg;
c) Nelza vomiting flour on the patio; or
d) Me dribbling honey on Chris Sisarich's nipples

Question 3.
Which of the following phrases is the most fun to say out loud?
a) "Lit's hev a ritro-spic-tuv re-kep ipisode!";
b) "Sara Titro keeps sputting glutter et me un the openung cridduts!";
c) "Dakota us a bet-shut crazy butch!"; or
d) "Lit's drubble honey on Chrus Susaruch's nupples!"

Question 4.
When a bunch of models have a doll that they pass to whoever asks a stupid question, you have:
a) Too much time on your hands;
b) An excellent way to both pass the time and keep self-esteem running low;
c) A doll with a stupid name being passed around in a stupid game invented by a bunch of stupid bony stupid stupids; or
d) That thing is the doll equivalent of herpes.

The answer, of course, is cupcakes.
Stupid dumb recap episode.

Sunday, March 06, 2011

Shebangabang's Next Top Model Series Two #8

If I had a dollar for every tear shed in this week’s episode of New Zealand’s Next Top Model, I’d be able to afford a bonfire with the express purpose of burning everybody’s hats in this week’s episode of New Zealand’s Next Top Model.

Unless they were New Zealand dollars, of course - then I’d only be able to afford a sign that said DOWN WITH STUPID FUCKING HATS.

At least it’s the good, convulsing, ugly-faced kind of crying, though. The kind that people call an ambulance for, because that wouldn’t be an overreaction or a gigantic waste of the paramedic’s time you weird ginger robot from outer space. Yeah, that kind.

The Judges

Sara Tetro

You know how in horror movies, after fighting against a monster/zombie/alien/deranged psycho killer for the whole film, the good guys finally vanquish the enemy, and everything is hunky-dory-daisies for a while, and everyone sighs a big, melodramatic, Hollywood sigh of relief? And then in the very last scene, just before the credits roll, the bad guy/thing suddenly springs to life or sneakily wakes up, or is shown to have secretly and quietly spawned little bouncing baby bad guys/things?

Well, after one and a half series of truly questionable outfit choices, Sara Tetro looked nice this week.

And then she wore a silver top.

Chris Sisarich
Mr Sisarich, if you insist on wearing more and more layers each episode, then I insist on mocking you for thinking that Bambi is a bear.

On the other hand, if you walk around with your shirt off, I will present you with an honorary PhD from the University Of Do Me.
It’s really up to you.

Colin Mathura-Jeffree
Colin Hyphenated-Surname, please stop borrowing your clothes from the Big Boring Really Boring Stop Boring Me Shop.

Wait, I think I have a picture of it here somewhere...

Sorry if you’re yawning right now. Imagine what it’s like Googling the images in the first place. Almost turned myself inside out, man.

The Icksint

Now, when you visit New Zealand, you’ll be able to understand what the locals are saying, thanks to me. I’m basically providing a suvuck seer-vuss.

A Twut – what Danielle thinks Lara is.

A But Of An Udiot – What Dakota thinks Lara is.

A But Of A Fettie – What I think Lara is.

Sick-ra-ludge – Walking around a church in your smalls. See also: Diddly Sun.

Hivvun – Where Mikaela’s grandma hengs out.

Spa-suffuck Sumptums – Something you apparently don’t have to have to call an ambulance.

Budgetirry Lumutations

I’m not gonna lie, I’m pretty impressed that the production budget could afford explosions this week. Everybody knows how awesome explosions are, and awesome is expensive.

The explosions are there to add glamour and danger to a photo shoot that has the hint of James Bond, the luxury of dead animal pelts, the drama of action photography, and a challenging backdrop, all of which rack up the expense.

And then there are Ford Fiestas.

Bist Buts
• Hey, wasn’t that fight between Michaela and Dakota amazing? Especially that bit where they didn’t do anything interesting like stab each other with bees.

• When you see three girls in their underwear hugging each other with their heads bowed, you instantly think that they’re praying to God asking for strength for an in-church lingerie catwalk challenge, right? And I’m sure their prayers will be answered, because there’s nothing God likes to support more than televised modelling competition challenges held in one of his retail outlets.

• Dakota cries because she hears someone laugh at her. Michaela cries because she feels like she let down her dead grandmother. The twins cry because they saw some oxygen or something, whatever. Everyone needs some slapping and some testicles, stat.

• The music video clip shoot is, admittedly, spectacular, with the big blowy fan and the floaty underwater shots, and the fact that it was obviously rigged towards the long haired girls and that bit where Lara looked fat. After watching shot after shot after shot of the long, arduous making of the filmclip, I couldn’t wait to see two and a half minutes of the finished music video!*

• Nelza (I’ve given up trying to tell the twins apart – it’s like trying to tell the difference between two identical boring creepy things I don’t like) says that she’s very good at holding her breath, and then demonstrates. But not for long enough.

• My brother-in-law is a paramedic, and do you know what he’d do if you called him and his ambulance to attend urgently to your symptoms of crying, feeling ‘a bit spaced out’ and feeling ‘dead inside’? He’d tell you to stop being a goddamn pussy is what he’d do. And maybe punch you in the neck, because he’s my brother-in-law, and you’re Elza.

• Dakota has just as much control over her legs as she does over her tendency to look like meth plus crazy.

In an intensely dramatic elimination in which my housemate and I drank wine and guessed badly, it came down to Dakota and Nellie. Obviously Dakota was kicked out, because nobody splits up the twins, except they do and that’s not true, and Nellie is out on her arse. UN-PRISS-A-DINTED DRAMET-UCKS!

E haere ra, Nellie! Thank you for finally reducing the level of suck by fifty percent.

The remaining sux are off to Thailand next week! Quick – somebody make a joke about Pung-Pong.

*Oh my god I’m kidding. Enough already.

Friday, March 04, 2011

The Hills Are Alive With The Sound Of No Work Being Done.

Many years ago, a friend of mine noted kindly that I have many and various highly-developed skills, and an alarming array of undeniable and deeply impressive talents.
They then added that not a single one of them would ever earn me a single cent, ever.

On a completely unrelated note, I've spent a fair chunk of the last couple of days making memes based on The Sound Of Music.

Please send me money.